The Great Insult War
by Grath Longrudder
Summary: I finally wrote a story!!!


The Great Insult War  
  
Sunflash the Mace (Sunstripe) was the new Badger Lord at the  
mountain of Salamandastron. It was under the attack of a vicious wolf  
and his Black Hordes. His name was Deathfang the Cruel, after the long  
fang protruding from under his top lip.   
Deathfang knew he had the Badger Lord worried. He had mounted   
a suprise attack on the mountain during the night.  
Sunstripe had woken to the sound of pounding on his door, and  
frantic voices on the other side. The voice of a young hare named  
Sundew reached him through the door. "M'lord Sunstripe, we're under  
attack! Ya hafta get up to fight the jolly old war doncha know."  
Sunstripe was awake in an instant. "I'm coming!" he yelled. He put on  
a chain-mailed tunic, an old helmet, and picked up his mighty mace.  
He exited his private quarters and ran down the stairs with suprising  
speed and agility for his size. At the bottom of the stairs, he met a  
male hare named Bradberry, Bradders for short. "Where are the young   
and old ones?" he asked. "In the blinkin' cellars m'lord" said Bradders  
with a smart salute. "Good job Bradders, that's exactly where they should be." said the Badger Lord. "Archers and slingbeasts, rally to me!" he roared. He took the best Long Patrol fighting hares to the window slits and began firing arrows and slingstones into the hordes, but it made no difference. When Sunstripe realized this, he turned to the hares and told them to rest. At about dawn, Sunstripe made his way to the kitchens to have a snack. What a snack was to him would have been a whole meal to any other creature. A flask of October Ale, a carrot, mushroom, and onion flan, a grilled mackerel, and some apple and blackberry crumble. He took all of this back up to his private quarters and ate slowly, deep in thought. "How could I be caught sleeping at I time like this?" he asked himself angrily. Sundew, who had been at the door with her paw poised to knock, said "It really wasn't your fault m'lord". "What? Who's there?" he asked coming back to reality. "It's just me sir." said Sundew. "I just wanted to tell you that the leader of the great black-furred horde wants to talk to you tomorrow at noon. Do you accept?" "Yeah, I accept!" said Sunstripe. "In fact, I'm gonna go givehim a piece of my mind right now!" And with that the Badger Lord made his way down to a window slit. Immediately, he saw the grayish-black wolf standing below the mountain. "What is it that you want?" Sunflash asked the wolf. "I want total surrender" said Deathfang. "That is impossible!" Sunflash roared back, "And don't go getting any stupid ideas!". "Fine, whatever you say" said Deathfang smirking, "you will regret your answer when the time is right." "Oh, go boil your fat greasy head" said Sunflash with an eaqual smirk. Deathfang was outraged. "I'll make you pay for that Badger!" yelled Deathfang shrilly, "Archers fire!" However it was useless. The arrows didn't even come close to the window. Sunstripe laughed scornfully, "Is that the best you can do Snaggletooth?" this made Deathfang turn red with anger, "Your dying day will be soon badger!" Deathfang screeched. The reply was an arrow coming from the slit and embedding itself in his footpaw. The wolf danced around howling with rage, and finally retreated behind some rocks. Inside the mountain, the Badger Lord rubbed his eyes. "Mmmm... he won't come out for awhile" he said sleepily and went off to get some rest. The next morning, sunstripe was at the window again trading insults with the wolf, the hares behind him joining in ocassionally. "Yah! you'll never be half as strong as ol' Badgerbutterbonce here!" Ahem, Bradders! Your supposed to be insulting the evil wolf out there, not the golden stripe on my face!" "Ooops! Sorry m'lord" said Bradberry hanging his head. "Apology accepted" said Sunstripe with a smile. This cheered him up. "Yeah, and that Badgerbutterbonce thing was a compliment!" he yelled out the window. Later on, the whole of Salamandastron was holding a council of war. Some of the more hot-headed creatures were suggesting an all-out battle. The more timid were groping for a reason to disagree. Then came Dettum, the most obnoxious hare in the whole mountain. "We don't need a great flippin' bloody battle!" she said. "We can have an insult war!" "Dettum" Sunflash said, "You are still a young hare, you should be in bed." "Whatever you say your Majesy the ButterFace!" said Dettum under her breath. "I HEARD THAT!" Sunflash roared, sending Dettum scurrying off to bed. "Now back to our meeting" said Sunflash. Back in bed, Dettum wasn't sleeping, she was grumbling. "My idea is a perfectly good one" she said to herself. Meanwhile, the meeting was still taking place, but they were having no luck. While Sunflash was reasoning with an extremely hot-headed hare, one of the more timid elders was sneaking off to get Dettum. When the elder came back down with Dettum by her side, the Badger Lord rolled his eyes. The elder, whose name was Snowdrop, saw this and said "At least let her explain her idea." "Oh all right" said Sunflash. "Whooopeeee!" yelled Dettum. "Don't push your luck" Sunflash growled. "Ahem" she cleared her throat, "I propose that we have an insult war. This is what we must do" and she whispered her plans to the group. "Ooh" Sunflash groaned, "I suppose it's worth a try  
but we should get some sleep first. Everyone went off to their beds. Dettum was the first one up the next day. "Cummon sleepyheads!" she shouted, "Gotta get up and insult some evil vermin.  
Out behind the rocks, Deathfang was thoughtful. He stood and limped over to one of the horde captains named Grunge. "Hmmm... it's been to quiet in there" he said "They must be up to something..." "Uh duh, huh, huh, yup master they must be up to sumpthin'" said Grunge. Deathfang instantly stunned him with a smart tap under the jaw. "Must be full of seaweed grog" he said to himself, and limped away from the senseless weasle, back behind the rocks.  
In Salamandastron, Dettum was rousing everyone from their warm beds, much to their displeasure. While everybody was eating breakfast, Dettum was outlining the newest part of her plan. "Alright" she said "We are going to give those vermin what they've been askin' for. We put a score of hares on the very top of the mountain, six at every window slit, and m'lord, you will be in the magnification room. Got that? There was a chorus of 'Ayes' all around. (A/N: the magnification room is where anyone can go to speak and have their voice magnified around the beaches surrounding the mountain.) When everyone was at their post, Dettum issued every hare a speaker to magnify their voices. Dettum was holding a flag, and as she brought it down, she yelled, "Let the insulting begin!" The hares were hurling insults left and right:  
  
"You ugly fleabag!"  
  
"I say you make quite a lovely mongerel"  
  
"Hmmm... Is that your tail, or your face that I see?"  
  
Down near the rocks, Deathfang was addressing his Great Black Hordes. "Look, they are trying to scare us with insults!" But he was silenced as Sunflash's voice was heard from the magnification room. "Leave this place you flea-bidden dirtbag!" the voice said. It was not the insult that made Deathfang fall to his knees, but the volume of the voice. The hordebeasts also fell to their knees, some were knocked senseless. The remaining vermin fled, seeing their master defeated by a voice from a mountain, and never returned. The others also fled after regaining conciousness.   
Dettum was awarded a medal covered with rubies and emeralds created in the Badger Lord's own forge. And never again, was she excluded from a council of war. 


End file.
